Why compliance driven approaches to behaviour often fail: In Homes and Classrooms

As a specialist occupational therapist with over 18 years of experience working with children, I have witnessed significant shifts in how we approach behaviour management. Early in my career, like many professionals and parents at the time, I relied heavily on compliance-driven strategies. These methods, focused on control and obedience, were widely taught and seemed logical on the surface, but over time, I began to see their limitations and the unintended harm they could cause.

In this blog, I want to explore why compliance-driven approaches often fail, share real-life examples of such methods, and explain why focusing on connection instead of compliance can lead to better outcomes for children.

What Are Compliance-Driven Approaches?

Compliance-driven approaches are behaviour management techniques that prioritise obedience over understanding. They aim to shape behaviour by rewarding compliance and punishing non-compliance. While they can result in immediate short-term behaviour changes, they rarely address the underlying causes of challenging behaviours.

Here are a few common compliance-driven strategies:

1. Sticker Charts and Reward Systems: These systems reward children for specific behaviours, such as completing tasks or following instructions, often with stickers, tokens, or tangible rewards. While this may seem harmless and effective, it places the focus on external motivation rather than helping the child understand their emotions or develop internal regulation.

   Example: A child with sensory processing challenges may be given a sticker each time they sit still during circle time. However, if the child is struggling due to sensory overload, this approach ignores their underlying need for movement or sensory input, potentially increasing their stress.

2. Time-Outs: Time-outs involve removing a child from a situation when they display challenging behaviour. The idea is to give them time to reflect and calm down. In reality, many children experience this as isolation, which can heighten feelings of anxiety and disconnection.

   Example: A child having a meltdown is sent to a designated "time-out corner". If the meltdown is triggered by overwhelming emotions or unmet sensory needs, the child is unlikely to reflect or calm down without support. Instead, they may feel rejected and misunderstood.

3. Withholding Privileges: This approach involves taking away something the child values (such as playtime or screen time) as a consequence for non-compliance. While it may result in temporary compliance, it doesn’t teach the child why their behaviour occurred or how to manage their emotions in the future.

   Example: A teacher may withhold a child’s favourite activity because they didn’t complete their work. If the child’s difficulty completing the task stems from attention challenges or frustration, this approach can increase their resistance and lower their confidence.

Why Compliance-Driven Approaches Often Fail

1. They Focus on Surface Behaviours, Not Underlying Needs

Compliance-driven methods aim to stop undesirable behaviours without addressing their root causes. However, behaviours are often a form of communication. When we focus solely on controlling the behaviour, we miss the opportunity to understand what the child is trying to express.

For example, a child refusing to participate in a group activity may be overwhelmed by sensory input or struggling with anxiety. A compliance-driven approach might force the child to join without recognising their need for support. This can increase their distress and lead to further behavioural issues.

2. They Can Damage Relationships and Trust

Building trust and connection is essential for children to feel safe and thrive. Compliance-driven strategies, particularly those that involve punishment or withholding privileges, can create a power struggle and erode the child’s trust in adults. Children may comply out of fear rather than understanding, which can harm their emotional well-being and the adult-child relationship.

3. They Rely on External Motivation

Compliance-based methods often use rewards or punishments to motivate behaviour. While this may work temporarily, it doesn’t help children develop intrinsic motivation, the internal drive to do something because it feels right or beneficial. Over time, children may become dependent on external rewards and struggle to regulate their behaviour independently.

4. They Can Increase Stress and Anxiety

For children with sensory differences or emotional regulation difficulties, compliance-driven strategies can increase stress and anxiety. Forcing compliance without understanding the child’s sensory or emotional needs can lead to heightened feelings of frustration, fear, and overwhelm.

For example, insisting that a child with sensory processing difficulties sit still during a lesson might lead to a meltdown, not because they are being defiant, but because their body needs movement to self-regulate.

A Better Way: Connection Over Compliance

Over the years, I have shifted my approach from compliance-driven methods to one based on connection, understanding, and emotional safety. This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries—boundaries are essential—but they are set with empathy and an understanding of the child’s needs.

Here’s what a connection-based approach looks like:

• Identifying the Root Cause: Instead of focusing solely on stopping the behaviour, ask, "What is this behaviour telling me?" This helps to address the child’s underlying needs.

• Building Emotional Safety: Creating a safe, supportive environment helps children feel calm and reduces the likelihood of challenging behaviours.

• Using Mutual-Regulation: Instead of isolating a child during a meltdown, offer mutual-regulation by staying with them, validating their feelings, and helping them calm down.

• Encouraging Intrinsic Motivation: Foster intrinsic motivation by helping children understand their emotions and develop self-regulation skills, rather than relying on external rewards.

Final Thoughts

Compliance-driven approaches may seem effective in the short term, but they often fail to address the deeper issues behind a child’s behaviour. By shifting from a focus on compliance to one of connection and understanding, we can create environments where children feel safe, supported, and empowered to thrive.

As both a professional and a parent, I have seen the powerful, long-lasting impact of adopting a connection-based approach. It not only reduces challenging behaviours but also strengthens relationships, builds trust, and helps children develop the skills they need for life.

If you want to learn more about how to implement this approach in your home or classroom, I invite you to join the Connection Over Compliance masterclass, where we’ll dive deeper into these strategies and help you create positive, lasting change.

Kate xx