Regulation does not mean Calm: A Parenting Truth

When I talk to parents and talk about regulation it can often be interpreted with being calm, composed, and no losing your sh*t. The truth is, regulation does not mean that we, as parents, have to be calm 100% of the time. Sensory and emotional regulation is not about suppressing or avoiding big emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. It’s about maintaining control of your behaviour when those emotions arise, navigating them in a healthy way, and modelling to our kids what it looks like to feel things deeply while staying grounded.

Parenting is a crazy journey and when you have a child with sensory kiddos it can be a rollercoaster of emotions.....it's filled with moments of happiness and laughter, but also with frustration, exhaustion, and even anger. To be regulated means you can experience these strong emotions without being swept away by them. It's possible to be angry and still be regulated, just as you can be sad, disappointed, or excited and still maintain control over how you respond. This distinction is essential for parents because, let's face it, staying perfectly calm in every situation isn't realistic.

What does sensory and emotional regulation look like in parenting?

Emotional regulation involves recognizing what you're feeling and choosing your response thoughtfully, rather than reacting impulsively. It means allowing yourself to feel emotions fully, without letting them dictate your actions in harmful ways. Let’s break down what this looks like with different emotions.

1. Regulated Anger
Anger is a common and normal emotion, especially when parenting pushes our limits. Imagine a scenario where your child repeatedly does a behaviour and no matter what, they don't seem to stop. You feel your frustration rising, your pulse quickens, your voice wants to shout. In a dysregulated state, you might yell, slam doors, or dole out excessive punishments in the heat of the moment.

In a regulated state, you’re still angry, but instead of reacting immediately, you pause. Maybe you take a deep breath, give yourself a moment to think, or even say out loud, “I’m really frustrated right now because..............” You might set a boundary calmly but firmly, “I need you to go to your room to shout and come back when you have finished.” Here, your anger is acknowledged and expressed, but it doesn’t overwhelm your ability to communicate clearly or guide your child with intention and boundaries.

2. Regulated Sadness
Parenting comes with moments of sadness, whether it's watching your child struggle in school or dealing with the loss of a loved one. In a dysregulated state, sadness could turn into withdrawal, shutting down, or emotional outbursts like crying uncontrollably in front of your child without explanation.

A regulated parent experiencing sadness might take a moment to sit with their child and explain, “I’m feeling really sad today because something difficult happened.” You may still cry, but you stay present with your child, showing that it’s okay to express emotion and still engage in life. Regulated sadness shows that emotions aren’t to be feared or avoided, but handled with care.

3. Regulated Excitement
Even positive emotions need regulation! Over-the-top excitement can lead to impulsive decisions or unrealistic expectations. Imagine you’ve planned a big surprise for your child, and you’re buzzing with excitement. In a dysregulated state, you might let the excitement spill over, talking too fast, forgetting important details, or making promises you can’t keep in your enthusiasm.

In a regulated state, you can still show your excitement, but with mindfulness. You might say, “I’m really excited about this surprise I’ve planned for you, and I can’t wait to see how much you love it.” You allow space for the moment to unfold naturally without letting your own emotions take over or rush the experience.

4. Regulated Fear or Anxiety
Parenting often comes with moments of anxiety, whether it’s about your child’s safety, their future, or navigating tricky situations. In a dysregulated state, fear can result in overprotectiveness, panic, or snapping at your child out of anxiety.

In a regulated state, you might acknowledge, “I’m feeling nervous about this, but I know you’ve got this handled.” You could ask questions calmly, express your concerns without overwhelming your child, and guide them thoughtfully through the situation. Regulated fear allows you to honour your concerns without letting them spiral into controlling behaviour or excessive worry.

The Importance of Showing Regulation, Not Just Calm

As parents, it’s tempting to believe that we should be calm at all times, but that’s not what children need. They need to see that all emotions are part of the human experience, and how we handle them is what truly matters. If we always strive to appear calm, even when we’re not, we risk teaching our children that emotions should be hidden or suppressed. This can lead to confusion or shame when they inevitably experience anger, sadness, or fear.

By being regulated, we’re modelling for our kids that it’s okay to feel deeply. When they see us experience anger and still speak respectfully, feel sadness and stay engaged, or feel excited without losing control, they learn that emotions aren’t something to fear or hide from, they’re something to navigate.

How to Practice Regulation in Parenting

1. Self-awareness: The first step to emotional regulation is knowing what you’re feeling. Take a moment to check in with yourself, the sensations in your body and when emotions rise. What are you experiencing in your body? How is your mood impacting your thoughts?

2. Pause before reacting: Whether it’s counting to ten, taking a deep breath, or stepping away for a moment, find a practice that helps you pause before responding. This space between feeling and acting is where regulation happens.

3. Communicate your emotions: Model emotional awareness for your child by naming what you’re feeling and what action you are going to take to help you. This helps normalise emotions and teaches them to do the same.

4. Choose your response: Once you’ve paused and named the emotion, choose a response that aligns with your values as a parent. This doesn’t mean pretending you aren’t upset or hurt, it means expressing those feelings in a way that still shows respect and care for both yourself and your child.

Regulation is not the absence of strong emotions because each and every one of us has them, but the ability to feel them without letting them control you. Whilst parenting a SEND child, being emotionally regulated doesn’t mean being calm all the time, it means being present with your emotions and choosing your response thoughtfully and doing actions which support regulation of the nervous system to support this. By showing our children what regulation looks like in the full spectrum of human emotions, we give them the tools to navigate their own feelings with confidence, compassion, and resilience through the magic of mutual regulation. 

So next time you feel angry, sad, or overwhelmed, remember, you don’t need to be calm. You just need to be regulated.

To learn more about your triggers and ability to regulate visit the Regulation Starts With You Course, a self paced course specifically designed to give you insight into your nervous system and responses to stress as well as strategies to integrate to develop a sensory lifestyle that works for you. With an interactive workbook, you will leave with an action plan to begin your journey to a regulatory lifestyle. 

Kate xx