Understanding Defiant Behaviour, What is really going on?

Imagine this: It’s a quiet Sunday morning. You’ve just asked your child to put on their shoes because you’re heading out for a family walk. Instead of a cheerful “okay,” you’re met with a loud “NO!” followed by stomping feet, crossed arms, and an adamant refusal to budge. Frustrating, right?

Scenes like this are common for families especially when sensory issues are involved. Defiant behaviour can feel like a constant power struggle, leaving parents and caregivers exhausted, confused, and sometimes even questioning their own approach. Sound familiar?

But what if defiance isn’t about being “naughty” or testing limits? What if it’s something deeper, something tied to your child’s nervous system and sensory experiences?

What Does Defiance Look Like?

Defiance can show up in many forms, including:

• Refusing to follow instructions.
• Arguing back or saying “no” repeatedly.
• Walking away or withdrawing when asked to engage.
• Deliberately doing the opposite of what’s asked.
• Emotional outbursts or tantrums when asked to do something simple.

To parents, these behaviours can feel personal, like your child is trying to push your buttons. But here’s the truth: defiance is often a signal that your child’s internal world feels out of control.

The Story of Liam

Let me introduce you to Liam (name changed for privacy). Liam is eight years old. His parents described him as “stubborn” and “difficult.” Every morning was a battle, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, and leaving for school often ended in shouting, slammed doors, and tears (from both Liam and his parents).

One morning, Liam’s mum noticed something new. After refusing to get dressed, Liam had curled up on the floor, holding his tummy. When asked what was wrong, he muttered, “It just feels funny.” That was the breakthrough moment.

What’s Really Happening?

Liam wasn’t being stubborn. He was experiencing sensory dysregulation. His nervous system was struggling to process the signals his body was sending, leading to:

• Fight Response: Arguing and refusing were Liam’s way of trying to regain control in a situation that felt overwhelming.
• Sensory Overload: The texture of his school uniform, the sounds of the morning rush, and his unsettled stomach all contributed to a sense of chaos.
• Emotional Dysregulation: Without the tools to recognise and manage his feelings, Liam’s frustration escalated into defiance.

Understanding Defiance Through the Lens of Sensory Dysregulation

When we view defiant behaviour as a nervous system response, it stops being about bad behaviour and starts being about unmet needs. Here’s how sensory dysregulation can contribute:

1. Fight Mode: The brain perceives a threat (like an overwhelming task or an uncomfortable environment), triggering defiance as a protective response.
2. Flight Mode: Walking away or withdrawing can signal that the child feels overstimulated and needs to escape the situation.
3. Freeze Mode: Ignoring requests or refusing to respond might indicate that the nervous system has “shut down” to cope with stress.

A New Approach to Defiance

After recognising Liam’s sensory challenges, his parents shifted their approach. Instead of demanding compliance, they began:

• Using Gentle Transitions: Giving Liam a five-minute warning before asking him to change activities.
• Addressing Sensory Needs: Switching to softer clothes and allowing him to eat breakfast in a quieter room.
• Offering Choices: Allowing Liam to decide between two shirts for school gave him a sense of control.

These small changes led to big improvements. Mornings became less of a battleground and more of a routine that worked for everyone.

What Can You Do?

If you’re struggling with defiant behaviour at home, consider these steps:

1. Pause and Reflect: Ask yourself, “What might my child be feeling right now?”
2. Focus on Connection: Validate their feelings with phrases like, “I can see this is hard for you.”
3. Meet Their Sensory Needs: Create an environment that feels safe and supportive, whether that’s reducing noise, dimming lights, or offering calming tools.

Why Connection Over Compliance Matters

When we see defiance as communication rather than rebellion, everything changes. It becomes an opportunity to understand, support, and connect with our children in meaningful ways. By addressing the underlying causes of behaviour, we not only reduce conflict but also build trust and resilience.

Want to learn more?

Join me for the Connection Over Compliance masterclass on 29th January, where we’ll explore how sensory connections can transform your approach to behaviour. Together, we’ll dive deeper into strategies that create understanding, not power struggles. You will get the recording if you can't join live and is only £22.

Register now and I will see you there. 

Kate xx